Having trouble finding love? Well, maybe you’re just not sexy enough. That’s what the makers of Realm, a new fragrance infused with human pheromones, seem to be trying to tell you. Pheromones are the chemicals our bodies naturally produce to trigger desire in the opposite sex, and Realm promises to render those who wear it “more attractive and impressive” to the opposite sex (it comes in both male- and female-friendly versions).

Realm smells not unlike a woodland-scent bathroom spray, so applying it feels a little bit like you’re trying to deodorise your wrist. The first time I sniffed it, I dry-retched and minutes later developed a mild but persistent headache. And so it follows: If you’re repulsed by yourself, can you be attractive to others? I decided to give it a little road test.

Unable to apply it too close to my head due to the aforementioned gag reflex, I first tried it on my ankles, worrying that the result might be a bout of friskiness from the office-dwelling Shar-pei. But no, he too found it gross: when I walked past him, he quickly scrambled under a desk. Out on the street, I merited a “Gorgeous, baby,” from the sort of wife-beater-wearing Lothario who would have uttered similar praise to anyone in a skirt. Then I got thoroughly checked out by a woman, making me think perhaps I had screwed up and applied the guys’ scent instead.

The next night, I held my breath long enough to generously spritz Realm onto an elbow, and wore it to a bar. En route, a grotesque, middle-aged man-mountain in a sweaty T-shirt shouted something not fit for print, but when I got to my destination which was filled with handsome, young, normal fellows I was paid no attention whatsoever.

My theory? If Realm works at all, it does so with the cunning of a cruel joke. It does not transform you into an irresistible sexpot in the eyes of anyone you would ever desire, but brings out the animal only in those who are already beastly (with the exception of dogs). Nevertheless, it’ll probably fly off the shelves. So next time you think you smell someone’s desperation… well, that’s probably because you actually can. APRIL LONG